I have recently had an opportunity to hold a mirror in front of my face. Not only in front of my face, but in front of my heart. Today, I call it an opportunity.....a few short weeks ago, I would have called it an assignment. It was an assignment from God, and I eagerly took part.....until I held that mirror REALLY close, and then....well then, I saw the flaws.
My eagerness quickly turned to caution as I looked at...."that wound", and "this scar". I became very aware that God was taking me to a deeper level with Him, and in order to do that, He had to reveal to me those very secret places that I had guarded not only from other people in my life, but from myself, and ultimately, from God. There has been NOTHING fun about this process. Wounds and scars are not things that I want to hold a magnifying glass over and look deeper into. They are disgusting and horrendous. They have many layers of death and life, and a stench that breathes out of them. When I looked at these blemishes on my heart, I came to realize that the true purpose of this process was not to name the victimization, but to name the person I had adapted into because of it......the part of me that I am responsible for....the part of me that needed to be transformed back to its original design, the way God created me.
In order to do this, I had to take responsibility for the parts of my character that I had allowed to be manipulated into serving as a protection for my heart. I could see that because of certain situations that took place in my past, I had taken up my own armor, and built a wall around it....a wall that no one could break down unless I SAID SO, and even in giving the permission, still giving myself full authority to stop it in its tracks if I felt too vulnerable or threatened. I had to be in control, if I was not in control, that meant the other person was, and as soon as that happened, I opened my heart up to be wounded once again. In taking all of these steps to protect myself, I focused on how I was going to do it, and in essence, took God out of the equation, and the very intimate details of my life.
We all have these places. They are the places that only we know of....the spots only we can see...and because of that very private relationship we have with them, we control how much they control us. There is nothing more binding than our own perspective on who God created us to be. It goes something like this: "God created me this way,...guess this is my "LOT" in life, therefor, I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T BE THAT, SHE WON'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND, HE WON'T REALLY WANT TO DATE ME".....messed up as it is, this is then who we become, and day after day, year after year, it builds and builds until we truly believe that this is not only the way PEOPLE see us, but the way GOD sees us. At this very instance is when we take God away and focus on ourselves. No longer do we give God the opportunity to give to us divine direction because we are too busy guarding off this and pushing off that. It is a very comfortable place, and really, we could all live there and not suffer....but what if....WHAT IF we allowed God true access to that place....What if we let go and let God?
I am able to say, that once I gave up the reigns in certain areas...identified the source, and focused on the solution through Christ, my life has been beyond what I had ever dreamed. My relationships with others are deeper and more significant because I know that my identity is in God, and not in those I call my closest friends. Keeping God in the center of my life is mandatory for healthy and meaningful relationship with my children, my husband, my family and my friends. If I count on God to whisper significance into my ear, that takes the pressure off of myself....in looking for that love and acceptance from those joining me on this journey. Life is so much more meaningful and full of substance....it is more relaxed and comfortable....and honestly, it is SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!
Who am I? I am a daughter of the Most High King....an Heiress....a Priceless Gem....the Apple of His Eye..."I am holy, chosen, a special treasure for the Lord".....