NO OSMOSIS!!

"Wise men store up knowledge...." Proverbs 10:14

I seriously had one of the most humiliating experiences of my life yesterday.

This would be a good time to disclose that I am taking the next step in God's calling on my life by entering Bible College in March 2011. It is something I have ALWAYS wanted to do, and felt God wanted me to do, it just has not presented itself so perfectly until now. That being said, I must also say that at the age of 34, taking a Math and English placement test was NOT my idea of a "Red Carpet Welcome"....I mean, seriously, I have an Associates Degree already, WHY must I prove I can add 2+2 and tell the difference between a noun and a verb? Silly waste of time if you ask me! Little did I know......

"Mrs. Mahnke (which I HATE being called)....it is also required of every applicant to take a "Pre-Entrance Bible Test".....to myself, I thought...."percentages may throw me off...sentence structure may give me fits....but this BIBLE stuff....NO PROBLEM!!! Or So I thought!!

I can tell you the stories of the Bible. I can pull a Bible verse out of the inner most part of my brain on the spot....I can answer Bible Quiz questions....I can win a Bible Sword drill against almost ANYONE...I was, after all, BORN A PK!!! But this....this test....well, I think the point is to prove to those of us who are entering this vocation, that being "born entitled" is a scam, and that for certain, we must each dig deeper to be prepared for such a calling.

I am not saying that everyone has to go to Bible college or be called into ministry to be so humbled by God. What I am saying, is that God is slowly stripping back the layers of who I "thought" I was. He is taking everyday situations in my life, and demonstrating to me that He created me for a specific purpose, and that purpose has nothing to do with my birthright here on earth. Being born "entitled" as a daughter of a preacher, is an identity I took on from the day I was born. It has created for me wonderful opportunity and great love from hundreds of people. What it also did for me is create a false sense of who I was. Every choice I made, every choice I did not make...every relationship I had....every relationship that broke my heart....every THOUGHT I had eventually found it's root in the heritage I had here on earth, not the heritage I have in Heaven.

I love being a preacher's daughter. I love all the "spoiling" that has come along with it...all the gifts, all the memories, all the laughter, and even all the tears. But today, today I am reminded of who GOD wants me to be OUTSIDE of that label.....a fully sold out, knowledgeable, never wavering, deep and transparent Child of the Living God.

Needless to say, I left the library laughing out loud at the inadequacy of my Bible Knowledge....saying to myself and anyone around...."NO OSMOSIS"...!!!

Who am I?

" I am holy, chosen, a special treasure for the Lord." Deuteronomy 14:2

I have recently had an opportunity to hold a mirror in front of my face. Not only in front of my face, but in front of my heart. Today, I call it an opportunity.....a few short weeks ago, I would have called it an assignment. It was an assignment from God, and I eagerly took part.....until I held that mirror REALLY close, and then....well then, I saw the flaws.

My eagerness quickly turned to caution as I looked at...."that wound", and "this scar". I became very aware that God was taking me to a deeper level with Him, and in order to do that, He had to reveal to me those very secret places that I had guarded not only from other people in my life, but from myself, and ultimately, from God. There has been NOTHING fun about this process. Wounds and scars are not things that I want to hold a magnifying glass over and look deeper into. They are disgusting and horrendous. They have many layers of death and life, and a stench that breathes out of them. When I looked at these blemishes on my heart, I came to realize that the true purpose of this process was not to name the victimization, but to name the person I had adapted into because of it......the part of me that I am responsible for....the part of me that needed to be transformed back to its original design, the way God created me.

In order to do this, I had to take responsibility for the parts of my character that I had allowed to be manipulated into serving as a protection for my heart. I could see that because of certain situations that took place in my past, I had taken up my own armor, and built a wall around it....a wall that no one could break down unless I SAID SO, and even in giving the permission, still giving myself full authority to stop it in its tracks if I felt too vulnerable or threatened. I had to be in control, if I was not in control, that meant the other person was, and as soon as that happened, I opened my heart up to be wounded once again. In taking all of these steps to protect myself, I focused on how I was going to do it, and in essence, took God out of the equation, and the very intimate details of my life.

We all have these places. They are the places that only we know of....the spots only we can see...and because of that very private relationship we have with them, we control how much they control us. There is nothing more binding than our own perspective on who God created us to be. It goes something like this: "God created me this way,...guess this is my "LOT" in life, therefor, I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T BE THAT, SHE WON'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND, HE WON'T REALLY WANT TO DATE ME".....messed up as it is, this is then who we become, and day after day, year after year, it builds and builds until we truly believe that this is not only the way PEOPLE see us, but the way GOD sees us. At this very instance is when we take God away and focus on ourselves. No longer do we give God the opportunity to give to us divine direction because we are too busy guarding off this and pushing off that. It is a very comfortable place, and really, we could all live there and not suffer....but what if....WHAT IF we allowed God true access to that place....What if we let go and let God?

I am able to say, that once I gave up the reigns in certain areas...identified the source, and focused on the solution through Christ, my life has been beyond what I had ever dreamed. My relationships with others are deeper and more significant because I know that my identity is in God, and not in those I call my closest friends. Keeping God in the center of my life is mandatory for healthy and meaningful relationship with my children, my husband, my family and my friends. If I count on God to whisper significance into my ear, that takes the pressure off of myself....in looking for that love and acceptance from those joining me on this journey. Life is so much more meaningful and full of substance....it is more relaxed and comfortable....and honestly, it is SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!

Who am I? I am a daughter of the Most High King....an Heiress....a Priceless Gem....the Apple of His Eye..."I am holy, chosen, a special treasure for the Lord".....