Who am I?

" I am holy, chosen, a special treasure for the Lord." Deuteronomy 14:2

I have recently had an opportunity to hold a mirror in front of my face. Not only in front of my face, but in front of my heart. Today, I call it an opportunity.....a few short weeks ago, I would have called it an assignment. It was an assignment from God, and I eagerly took part.....until I held that mirror REALLY close, and then....well then, I saw the flaws.

My eagerness quickly turned to caution as I looked at...."that wound", and "this scar". I became very aware that God was taking me to a deeper level with Him, and in order to do that, He had to reveal to me those very secret places that I had guarded not only from other people in my life, but from myself, and ultimately, from God. There has been NOTHING fun about this process. Wounds and scars are not things that I want to hold a magnifying glass over and look deeper into. They are disgusting and horrendous. They have many layers of death and life, and a stench that breathes out of them. When I looked at these blemishes on my heart, I came to realize that the true purpose of this process was not to name the victimization, but to name the person I had adapted into because of it......the part of me that I am responsible for....the part of me that needed to be transformed back to its original design, the way God created me.

In order to do this, I had to take responsibility for the parts of my character that I had allowed to be manipulated into serving as a protection for my heart. I could see that because of certain situations that took place in my past, I had taken up my own armor, and built a wall around it....a wall that no one could break down unless I SAID SO, and even in giving the permission, still giving myself full authority to stop it in its tracks if I felt too vulnerable or threatened. I had to be in control, if I was not in control, that meant the other person was, and as soon as that happened, I opened my heart up to be wounded once again. In taking all of these steps to protect myself, I focused on how I was going to do it, and in essence, took God out of the equation, and the very intimate details of my life.

We all have these places. They are the places that only we know of....the spots only we can see...and because of that very private relationship we have with them, we control how much they control us. There is nothing more binding than our own perspective on who God created us to be. It goes something like this: "God created me this way,...guess this is my "LOT" in life, therefor, I CAN'T DO THIS, I CAN'T BE THAT, SHE WON'T WANT TO BE MY FRIEND, HE WON'T REALLY WANT TO DATE ME".....messed up as it is, this is then who we become, and day after day, year after year, it builds and builds until we truly believe that this is not only the way PEOPLE see us, but the way GOD sees us. At this very instance is when we take God away and focus on ourselves. No longer do we give God the opportunity to give to us divine direction because we are too busy guarding off this and pushing off that. It is a very comfortable place, and really, we could all live there and not suffer....but what if....WHAT IF we allowed God true access to that place....What if we let go and let God?

I am able to say, that once I gave up the reigns in certain areas...identified the source, and focused on the solution through Christ, my life has been beyond what I had ever dreamed. My relationships with others are deeper and more significant because I know that my identity is in God, and not in those I call my closest friends. Keeping God in the center of my life is mandatory for healthy and meaningful relationship with my children, my husband, my family and my friends. If I count on God to whisper significance into my ear, that takes the pressure off of myself....in looking for that love and acceptance from those joining me on this journey. Life is so much more meaningful and full of substance....it is more relaxed and comfortable....and honestly, it is SO MUCH MORE FUN!!!

Who am I? I am a daughter of the Most High King....an Heiress....a Priceless Gem....the Apple of His Eye..."I am holy, chosen, a special treasure for the Lord".....

Recognition

"Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, 'Give Me a drink,' you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water" John 4:10

I use to laugh at my parents when we would run into someone they "knew" out in public....because it would not take long after that encounter for them to turn to me and say, "I have NO idea who that was, I went to school with her, I know that, but I cannot remember her name". They were SO OLD, and that would NEVER happen to ME.....or so I thought! I cannot count how many times over the last 5 years that very same scenerio has happened to me.....Unbelievable.
I can so relate with the woman at the well. There have been times in my life in which I have become so"lazy" in my time spent with God, that I have not RECOGNIZED who He was in the middle of the chaos. He had not gone anywhere, but I had. He was still doing His "thing", but I was too busy with life and being consumed by the events of this world, that I did not hear His direction, and to that end, chose my own way. There is nothing more humbling than looking back and realizing He had given me the way around the situation, and I had not RECOGNIZED His face standing right in front of me.
God wants us to WANT Him. He has given us life here on earth NOT to prosper ourselves, but to LOOK to Him in ALL things, and when it is all over, give HIM the GLORY for what HE has brought us through. This is our testimony, our own personal sermon in which to reach those walkig amongst us who have no idea who the man sitting next to them at the well is, because no one has ever taken the time to introduce them.
If we spend time in the Word, and Prayer with God, we will KNOW Him. When we see Him, we will recognize the voice, the hand, the way He is directing us. These are the ways God has given us access to Him, to not take advantage of them is to hinder our walk, and thus, our testimony and outreach to the lost world around us. Prayer fosters a relationship, the Word, an understanding, things we need in order to grow deeper in relationship and love of WHO our Saviour is.
Never again do I want to be in the same place as that woman at the well, not able to recognize the ONE and ONLY SAVIOUR who would not only give her water, but LIFE ETERNAL. I want to see Him at every crossroad and every direction I take, and be able to choose that way because I KNOW HIM, and I TRUST Him.....

Faithful

"Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus" Philipians 1:6

Most days, I can not even tell it ever happened. Most days, I carry on in this fast paced life, forgetting where I have been. Most days, I am so focused on the next scheduled activity, that I do not take the time to be thankful for my stability, ability, and mobility. And then, there are days like today.

Today, my arm was dead weight. I could not open the jar of pickles. The bucket was too heavy for me to carry. I could not turn the door knob. Today, my leg was numb. I could not feel my toes. My foot was cold. Today, my eye was blurry. I could not read the sentences in a book. I could not read the sign on the road. My eyelid was heavy, I could not see.

To focus on where I am going, I must be reminded of where I have been. To be fully used of Him, I must remember how I was healed by Him. To be healed by Him is not a miracle of my own, it is a work He preformed for His Glory. A show for the lost and saved alike, a testament of His power.

Today I remember the disease that had me bed ridden. I remember the days of uncertainty and fear. Today, I remember the doctors, the nurses, the prognosis, the death sentence....but most of all, I remember the feeling of His arms around me. I remember the words of the doctor, "It's gone, I have no other explanation, is that good enough for you"....and of the next, "Your eye is healed, I cannot tell you why".....and those very special words, "YOU WILL NEVER BE THE SAME, IN JESUS NAME."

I have scars of my past, but I do not fear them, in fact, I welcome them. They are my constant reminder that He delivered me, and I cannot keep it to myself, there is a world to be told of the Faithfulness of our God. There is no doubt that I have been called, there is no doubt He is guiding my life, there is not doubt, and I am "Confident, that He who began a good work in me is faithful to complete it until the day of Christ Jesus."

Go!

Genesis 12:1....The Lord had said to Abram, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you..."

It JUMPED off the pages!! Now, I have read the Bible before and heard the voice of the Lord, but I cannot tell you in recent history when it has touched me like it did that day in January.

Over the preceding months, I could hear my "out loud voice" saying; "Oh, yeah, I know that God is in this move! I am SURE we will be fine, I am SO EXCITED"!! And at the same time, I could hear my "inside voice", the one spoken by my heart and mind, and often, the physical pain I felt in my stomach, it was screaming, "Are you KIDDING ME? NO WAY!!!" I have two young children who are taking every cue they have about the future of our family from me. There is no doubt that I have to portray the "matriarch" role, the one of wife, mother, and ultimately, the one who is going to keep our small family of four together through this huge transition. I cannot let them see my weakness, my fear, my uncertainty. For these two precious beings, I will stay strong and confident, but in all seriousness, I don't want to go!

"God Moments" began happening all around me. This verse first showed up in the weekly Bible Study I was doing with my best friend. We had to pause the DVD and rewind, because I was SURE I had not hear it right! I of course DID hear it right, and God spoke to ME in that moment from the ancient scriptures written to Abram so long ago. How humbling to realize God was speaking to me, just as He had Abram. A few weeks later, while preparing for our Wednesday night Bible Study, this verse once again made it's appearance. There is nothing more amazing than the confirmation of God through the Holy Spirit.

As I think back to those days a few months ago, it gives me joy and hope. I am not silly enough to believe that God has promised me a nation, as He did Abram, but what I DO know, is that God is the reason we are here in California. In the Bible Study I was doing before I left home, it focused on putting ourselves where God is doing a Work, and He will open our eyes to the Will He has for us. For this, I am SO excited!

It is about God, and winning those to Him. I have come, and I am willing!....

Journal Entry January 2010

From my journal:

Today is January 17th 2010. Mike and I are in California! This is a different kind of place, I have to actually SEARCH for a palm tree, but Mike has one on the property where he will be working, so at least we will have a little of what we thought California would be. When we flew in, we saw all of these fields filled with water......all this rain explains that! It's raining, and the forecast calls for ALL rain for the entire week.....this could be a bad sign.....not exactly the "Welcome to California" we were expecting! We are in a nice hotel, the town seems nice, ate at a Ruby Tuesdays for dinner. It is late.....10pm here, which means 1am at home!

January 18th.
Met Sam Anderson today. What a KID!!! He's younger than NATHAN! He seems very down to earth, and very intelligent in the Rail Division. I really liked hearing about his family. He certainly has potential to run this entire company some day, very good work ethic. He seems very lonely, but I am happy to hear that he is getting married in July. He says he will bring his wife with him when he travels. Weird day just driving around a little bit, thank heavens for the GPS!! Gonna start looking for churches tomorrow!! RAINING CATS AND DOGS!

January 19th.
Chase is 16 today, man do I feel old! It was -30degrees the day he was born..now, where I am, it's 55 and rainy. Drove around looking for a church in Woodland today. I went to the one I had found on line, the Baptist church with the school....looks kinda "Old School" to me..the last thing I want is to raise my kids in all that tradition. UGH!! Saw a few other churches....look like Spanish missions.....maybe we're suppose to be missionaries!! WHAT???
Met with our new land lord, she seems sweet. Took pictures of the school for the kids and the house as best we could in the rain. The school is really neat! We ate at a nice place in Sacramento with Sam, it was really neat to drive in and see the Capital building at night. I think this is going to be a nice place to live....IF WE CAN FIND A CHURCH!!!!

January 20th.
Popped a lot of Xanax today! Anxiety is taking over!! I CANNOT FIND A CHURCH IN THIS TOWN!! I prayed about this....I KNOW God has a church for us, but I CAN'T FIND IT!!! I have to find a church to go to our first Sunday here. We can't move across the country and NOT have a church!! I am counting on having the church as our STABLE here when we leave all of our family and friends. It's raining, I'm watching movie, Mike has been gone all day, and I can't find a Freakin Church!!! It is storming so bad, the trees are being uprooted!! WHERE AM I??? I thought California was always SUNNY!!!! AAAhhhh!!! Gonna take a nap and wait for Mike....after I pop one of those little pills!~

January 21
Driving around again today while Mike was gone. I was driving down Gibson, totally on the verge of feeling like I'm gonna die from a panic attack because I can't find a church.....and guess what I saw.... A RAINBOW!!!!!! I took a picture and sent it to my sister and my dad and Laurie.....it was a PROMISE to ME from GOD that HE is STILL in this, even though I am completely feeling like curling up and dying! OK, so there was a peace that came over me, and the song "How Great is our God" started playing on the radio. I'm going to REALLY try not to freak out about this anymore...really try...in Jesus name....
Okay....so Mike came back to the hotel early, and we had a few hours so he comes in and says, "Let's look for a church in Sacramento". We drove to Natomas, which is closest to us, and looks like a new developed area. We put "Places to Worship" in our GPS, and we drove into about 4 different parking lots with empty warehouses. There was a sign that caught Mike's eye on a building cause it was red. He pulled in the driveway, it said "Mars Hill"....what the heck is MARS HILL??? He stopped the car, turned it off, and said, "Let's go in"...uh, that is SO not like him, so I'm going with God here, and I'm going in. Something amazing happened today, and I don't know if I can actually describe it. As soon as we walked through those doors, I felt an overwhelming presence of God. My heart started beating very fast, and I just got really excited. The lady at the front went and got a Pastor to come talk to us, and out came this young chic....I swear, I bet she's younger than me! She took us to her office. Her name is Kathy Cannon, she gave us a card. She is the FAMILY pastor there, not the Senior Pastor. So, we're talking, a bit, and I ask the MAJOR question..."What denomination are you".....she says: "We are Assemblies of God".....OH MAN!!! ARe you KIDDING ME???? My heart sank. Instead of attending to that feeling of NOOOOoooo, I asked her a lot of doctrinal questions about salvation and SPEAKING IN TONGUES.....Assemblies of God, people who speak in tongues, they always think they're so much "Holier than Thou".....well, I guess we think we are Holier than them!! HAA~!! Something else really kinda weird happened....while we were talking, another lady walked in the room and leaned up against the bookcase....I can't for the LIFE of me remember her name, but when she walked in, my heart did something very weird, and God spoke to me, said: "Don't worry, she's gonna help you".....Okay, whatever the heck THAT means, it was just an overwhelming feeling of....COMFORT when she came in, and about that moment, THE TEARS FELL!!! It was a little embarrassing, I'm thinking maybe they didn't notice I was crying, Laurie has always told me I was good at hiding it! Wish I could remember her name. I think she is a Pastor there, or works there or something, I will have to go on their web-site and figure that out. I have a couple of cards, one says Pastor Kathy Cannon, the other says Pastor Neva Swinson....I don't think her name was Neva, but I could be wrong. Funny thing is, she reminds me of Laurie in a way....not sure why....Oh Well...Anyway, I can't wait to do some research on this place, cause it is OBVIOUS that church is the first one we are going to try! I feel really good, like a weight has been lifted off of my shoulders! At least I know where we'll go the first week, Ha! It seemed very modern and hip.....I hope they have a good ministry for the kids! Well, we're out of here in the morning, so it's better that I left here with this peace than the way I was feeling earlier! I told Dad it was an Assemblies of God, he said, "Bonnie, I don't care if you go out there and speak in tongues and all of that, as long as you are in a church where they believe in Jesus and teach my grandkids the basic and to put God first"....well, Dad, I'm NOT going to speak in TONGUES!! ha!



January 22nd
NO, we did NOT get to go home!!! Flight canceled because of this FREAKIN MONSOON!!! People keep telling us this isn't normal weather, that it hasn't been like this in 10 years....I sure HOPE NOT!! We went to San Francisco! I cannot believe we were there....it felt like a DREAM!!! It was SO cold!! So cool to see the Golden Gate bridge! Alcatraz..everything that I have always seen on TV!! I cannot believe we are being given this opportunity! My kids have no idea the gift God is giving them!! This is just unbelievable. Back to Ohio in the morning.....what a TRIP this has been!!!

Our Children: Our Future

Why do we sit by as our generation denounces the name of Christ? Why do we sit idley by as those we love chose to conform to the world instead of being transformed by the renewing of Christ? It is complacency...a place of no confrontation...a place where it is easier to accept what Satan is doing, than stand up for what God wants. As christians, we have an obligation to the lost to STICK OUT from them, to STAND UP to wrong, and STAND UP for right.They are teaching our children in school that there are no absolutes. Let's start off by taking away the grading scale of A-F, this is, after all, an "absolute" definition of excellence, average, and failure. It is so slow and deceiving, that if we are not on our guard, it engulfs us as one of it's own. How then do we teach these dear children that there is "absolute" evil and "absolute" good?...If we allow the politics of today strip us of that right before we even realize it is happening? I have people in my life who do not believe in Christ. What saddens me most is that the ones who have known Christ and His examples of love and salvation are more bold in denouncing Him than those in my life who were never taught about Him. There is something wrong with this!...It is a very sly way for the devil to manipulate the minds of this generation. He is polluting their memory, because they have been taught GOD does exsist, to be BOLD in our faith, and everything about Him is good and pure...this is one place he attacks, a basis to argue that there is no such thing, and to stand up BOLD to denounce it. If you think one minute about what is said here, you will understand the terrible circumstance we are in. It is not something that happens over night. It happens so gradually that we do not see it coming. The devil is waiting to devour our children. If we do not stand up and protect them, the devil wins. I will NOT sit by and let my children be deceived by the devil and the evil of this world. This will not happen on my watch without a FIGHT. Living in the Hope of Jesus far out benefits the luxeries of this world, and I will be one parent who will teach my children the "WAY, THE TRUTH, AND THE LIFE"...I will teach them that there IS SUCH THING AS ABSOLUTE RIGHT AND WRONG, and ABSOLUTE TRUTH!"Train up a child in the way he should go, Even when he is old he will not depart from it" Proverbs 22:6

I Will Be the One

Will I influence you for Jesus? Will my life be a testimony for you, one that speaks of His grace? Does the path I walk in front of you demonstrate the faith I have in His power to save me from this dying world? Will you choose Him because you experienced Him through me?

I watch as you search for love and acceptance in life. I see you, desperate and scared when faced with the uncertainty of your future. I hear you when you cry for help in situations you never imagined facing. I feel your heart when it breaks due to your lack of faith in Christ and the eternal life He would bring you.

I watch as HE works through people around you to show you His love and acceptance. I see you as HE rescues you from fright and dispare, extending to you HIS hope for your future. I hear HIM when you cry for help, HE is with you in those difficult places. I feel HIS heart break because HE has given you chance after chance to trust in HIS plan for your eternal life with Him, yet you chose to step away.

Can I be the one who influences you for JESUS? Can I be the one whose life is a testimony of HIS grace to you? May I walk with you on this path called life, and hold your hand as you reach out and take a leap of faith? Can I be the one who kneels with you as you seek HIS eternal life?

I will be the one.
I will be the one.